you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
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hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Noah
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.