@Darlainky

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

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@TattleTSister

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

@10InchesPlus

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

@ShoutingGoddess

There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.

*sharpening knife*

@SideOfWine

Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.

@HelloJessicaFox

I’m going to visit a dairy farm and pet all the cheeses and see if they’ll eat out of my hand.

@BigJDubz

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

@deplorablem1ke

So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..

But

McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.

@anagramps

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

@buhsbaby_baby

*drinking water without ice*
This must be what it feels like to be in prison.

@skittle624

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.