@Darlainky: You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can't be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
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@dafloydsta: [date] HER: Do you want to have children? ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
@ABurgerADay: Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.
@fluffysuse: There are three types of people: 1. Annoying people 2. Annoying people I am sleeping with 3. People I haven't met
@djdarrellripley: Her: I'm sorry my baby keeps crying. He's got teeth coming in. Me: Well, don't worry, I'll sign for them...
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