“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
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A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.
Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.
I’m going to visit a dairy farm and pet all the cheeses and see if they’ll eat out of my hand.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..
McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*drinking water without ice*
This must be what it feels like to be in prison.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.