You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
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Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
LOL
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
inside you are two wolves
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
The USS B port
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”