Pigeon open mic night.
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Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.