Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
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I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My work here is done
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.