“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.