You walk into my bedroom…

I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.

You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.

You Might Also Like


the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants


*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever


Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.


“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets


I have failed math eleventeen times or so.


[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD


Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet


For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”


inexplicably call ur boss “shortpants” until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes