@kentgrossarth
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
@matsmoustache
You walk into my bedroom…
I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.
You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.
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@kentgrossarth
@_Ms_Moneypenny_
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
@XplodingUnicorn
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
@karencheee
Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.
@ArfMeasures
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
@notalogin
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
@Big_Cat74
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
@AnOrangeSNES
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
@MahnkeaTaylor
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
@iamchrisscott
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”