You walk into my bedroom…

I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.

You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.

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Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.


Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.


Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.


Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby


Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)


“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”


I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.


A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”