@matsmoustache

You walk into my bedroom…

I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.

You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.

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@minkpinkustink

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

@DurtMcHurtt

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

@Jake_Vig

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

@shutupmikeginn

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

@Arroia

I have failed math eleventeen times or so.

@IchBin_Rob

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

@cervixsmash

Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet

@bgdadyspnkbtm

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

@80want

inexplicably call ur boss “shortpants” until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes