I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
You walk into my bedroom…
I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.
You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I have failed math eleventeen times or so.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
inexplicably call ur boss “shortpants” until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes