You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.