You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
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one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas