@sweetmomissa

You wanna impress me roomba? Climb up and get all the dog hair off my couch.

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@Elizasoul80

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

@NJGov

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

@sonictyrant

Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized

Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t

@TheAlexNevil

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

@JillianKarger

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

@GroovyTasia

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

@WhatsAGreenhorn

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

@st_RAY_aah

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

@msgwenl

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

@ieatanddrink

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound