There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Awesome parenting 😂
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
There is wisdom there.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex