You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
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No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
HERE’S MARKY
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.