@pixelatedboat

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

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@HenpeckedHal

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

@JohnLyonTweets

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your super power

LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times

PROFESSOR X: Astonishing

@birbigs

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

@david8hughes

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

@robfee

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

@McAttack88

Is it wrong to follow people just because they’re hot?

Also, what about on Twitter?

@nachosarah

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem