Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
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I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
PROFESSOR X: What is your super power
LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times
PROFESSOR X: Astonishing
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Is it wrong to follow people just because they’re hot?
Also, what about on Twitter?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem