@RandomAntics

YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?!

~me, aggressively handing out cake

YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?!

~me, aggressively handing out cake

- @RandomAntics

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@TeaAndCopy

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

@JustMeTurtle

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

@garrettbarry70

Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.

@david8hughes

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

@ObtuseHands

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

@shutupmikeginn

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

@celestinelea90

This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM

@krisv_723

Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.