I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
this isn’t threatening at all
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
If looks could kill
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣