You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I am so lucky that I canât tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when youâre dumb
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
If you hold a baby up to a light and donât see the security strip itâs a fake baby
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow youâre a natural
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Why did I laugh so hard at this đ
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, âItâs you.â You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, âmom, I would be pissed.â
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
âI donât watch tvâ ok but then what do you do with it
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when theyâre out front and freak them out.
Them: Can you imagine joggingâ
Me: No
Them: âin this heat
Me: