“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
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87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
😅😅😅
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Who knew!
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]