“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
had to share :’)
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”