I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Every time.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
We cut our bangs at dawn.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”