“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
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[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
next level snooze
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
The Backseat Boys
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’