“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I can’t stop laughing at this
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.