You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

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A big thank you to whoever spraypainted “KARATE” on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.


Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.


You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.


Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’


Hang in there, people suffering from natural disasters and deadly diseases – we’re putting ribbons on our cars as fast as we can


Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.


Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist


“How much are these glasses?”
“$150 sir”
“I guess you could say”
*puts on sunglasses*
*runs out without another word*


The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.