@Death_Buddy

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

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@boring_as_heck

A big thank you to whoever spraypainted “KARATE” on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.

@TheAlexP

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

@MrGeorgeWallace

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

@better_off_dad2

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

@Bagyants

Hang in there, people suffering from natural disasters and deadly diseases – we’re putting ribbons on our cars as fast as we can

@iMikosnyc

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

@OfficeofSteve

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

@too_chihuahua

“How much are these glasses?”
“$150 sir”
“I guess you could say”
*puts on sunglasses*
*runs out without another word*

@willhallcomedy

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.