You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
My dress code is business-casualty.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions