You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.