You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.