You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave