You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
that’s really how it is
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Dishonest mechanic?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.