@AaronNevins

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

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@FrancysNjoroge

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

@rockymomax

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

@mikefossey

(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

@Home_Halfway

ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*

GIRLFRIEND: Omg

ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*

GF: Uh

ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me

@LizHackett

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@SteveKoehler22

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

@Sorrowscopes

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

@AmishPornStar1

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.