Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*
ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*
ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.
Thyme wounds all heels.
People who say they “Like to have fun”…
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.