Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
Genie is now following you.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me
The little-known fourth major monotheistic religion…
*Washes off eyeliner*
Ok, weigh me now.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*