You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Bring back the McRib
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
So that’s what we looked like?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
😩😩😩