@JimmerThatisAll

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

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@mack44_d

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

@meghaffer

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

@emptyheadtwo

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

@3sunzzz

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

@KentWGraham

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

@theSolemnBard

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By putting the meat and cheese between two pieces of bread, one can keep one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

@notsoevilrick

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

@TheMichaelRock

HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.