“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
They’re stuck in your pants?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.