…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
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I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By putting the meat and cheese between two pieces of bread, one can keep one’s hands neat for playing cards
HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.