You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
At least try to make it slightly believable
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong