When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.