You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful

Me: Ham sanitizer

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My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.


JIM: I’ve got an idea. Let’s call this place “Jimadelphia”

[PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]


Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.


Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.


Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”


Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.


Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/


please excuse me while i search for a new psychiatrist


Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.