You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful

Me: Ham sanitizer

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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?


The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.


[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.


[1st date]
Maybe next time i could meet your dog

[2nd date]
Your dog is so cool

[3rd date]
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you


update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared


My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.


like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?


You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.