There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.