@SondraDeeMe

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

@FreshClemonade

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

@dixoterin

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

@scrappy_momma

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

@trevso_electric

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

@Marlebean

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

@desukidesu

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yeah

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

@Parentpains

Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.