I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
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It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
How does it feel?
“Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon”
And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency