“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
You Might Also Like
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
meanwhile over on facebook
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Well, this certainly took a turn
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
He took my last fry, your honor
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.