“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.