You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

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Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.


Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”


Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”


genie: long time no see, ok, you have one wish left

Geppetto: I want a real boy

genie:??? what happened to the other 2 you wished for?


2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)


Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.


I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.


Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.