You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
So we got a goldfish…
Legend 🤣🤣
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.