You when you started twitter vs. you now.
You Might Also Like
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex