Him: Do you know what your problem is?
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[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
saying “eat the rich”
-makes people think you’re a cannibal
saying “ok boomer”
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”