@truegritrumble

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

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@VerifiedDrunk

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

@Jake_Vig

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

@attheUC

Relationship status:

-Applies sunscreen to wall.
-Rubs back on wall.

@copymama

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

@tweetsbyrocket

millennial: i wish for death

boomer genie: did you say debt

millennial: no

boomer genie: too late

@felixoshea

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

@bighandsmassuer

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

@WheelTod

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

@3sunzzz

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.