@truegritrumble
@VerifiedDrunk Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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@VerifiedDrunk 
@IndecisiveJones me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
@Jake_Vig Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
@attheUC Relationship status:
-Applies sunscreen to wall.
-Rubs back on wall.
@copymama Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
@tweetsbyrocket millennial: i wish for death
boomer genie: did you say debt
millennial: no
boomer genie: too late
@felixoshea If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
@bighandsmassuer If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
@WheelTod I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
@3sunzzz Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.