@truegritrumble

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

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@SteveSuckington

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

@StoneAgeRadio13

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

@Skoog

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

@Kali_Mura

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

@Chumpstring

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

@8bitf0x

whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)

@sharpular

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

@hrtbps

“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”