@david8hughes: [inventor of the piano] Tables aren't noisy enough.

@TheFearBoners: When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That's how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?

@ehchino: [First date] So what do you do for a living? "I'm a florist" WHY DON'T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT'S LAVA?

@MattPostSaysHi: Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

@JonnyStallone: Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.