”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
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no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
😩😩😩
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them