“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
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[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
This is my favorite one of these!
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.