“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
You Might Also Like
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Well, this explains it:
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.