“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
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Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Jupiter
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
favorite tropes as memes
Banking tips
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.