“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
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Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.