@BlindChow

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

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@TheMichaelRock

Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

@Reverend_Scott

COPS: WE’RE COMIN IN

“have a police dog?”

COPS: YES

“only the dog can come in”

COP: BUT-

“my house, my rules”

COP: I guess that’s true

@ArfMeasures

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

@Dutch_50

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@RepoMan_617

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

@TheUnrealMattR

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,