“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
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Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Do you think I’m pretty
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
COPS: WE’RE COMIN IN
“have a police dog?”
“only the dog can come in”
“my house, my rules”
COP: I guess that’s true
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,