Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
You Might Also Like
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please