God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
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What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it