@RunwayDan

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

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@Amburglar_

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

@hyperblastchic

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@stephenjmolloy

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse

@leakypod

Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes

@nash_official

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot