A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
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I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
this… may be the greatest story ever told
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Breaking news:
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it