You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*