You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
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I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.