My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Hey people who say ‘I want my funeral to be like this’: what are you going to do about it if they don’t do it like that?
we all know who started this Dominos & Papa Johns beef
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.