You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
And that about sums it up.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome