You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.