Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.
And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.