@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

You Might Also Like

@theRealNotJonas

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

@SvnSxty

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

@Just_Lee_

The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.

And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.

@daemonic3

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

@SlabBaconBP

How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

@Rollinintheseat

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

@JB4Realz

Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.

@MattFnWallace

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

@markleggett

Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?

@3sunzzz

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.