You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
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#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.