@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

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@histwaddle

Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@Darlainky

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

@not_delicate

*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl.

*hands bowl to child, eats the rest

@karlkovacs

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

@StevieKnip

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

@madeleinedoux

[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

@AndrewsNotFunny

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

@Smooheed

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too