We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
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Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design