@alive_and_dying

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

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@jordan_stratton

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

@urgeekisshowing

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

@kaytaa

Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.

@Paxochka

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

@Vodkantots

Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@Tharin_P

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

@lisaxy424

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

@shanethevein

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

@LuvPug

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’