Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns